(no subject)

we went to nc, came back, someone had broken a window in our backdoor to open said door. the only thing weve found missing was a psp.
this is the second time someones come in while we were out of town. last time b was missing some nintendo ds' and our piggy bank and penny jar disappeared. oh yeah, and a recently told us shes been missing her camera for quite some time. so thats probably where that went too. :(

yet, the 405932850 computers remain untouched. its silly.
the neighbor said he saw the (kids) leaving and chased them down, grabbing ones arm, after calling the police. but the kid got away.
aparently this has happened to multiple people in the neighborhood recently. its really crappy.

we got a costco membership today. thats kinda cool.

i really want to make my business "official" or whatever. but its so overwhelming. i mean, i dont generate enough income (technically im still in the hole) for me to personally justify hiring an accountant, but im lost. i keep getting mixed .. findings? on what to do. what my responsibilities are, etc.

so we had that flood a couple months ago. got several feet of water in the basement. EVERYTHING we had down there was ruined.
seems most of it was due to not having some "sewage shut off valve" installed. which the landlord knew about and could get free from msd.
floods are not, and cannot be covered by renters insurance. fortunately fema came in and we got a little money, enough to replace our washer (still no dryer, thank goodness for a clothesline and the sun!)
they told us they couldnt pay for certain stuff because the owner of the house has insurance that should cover it, and if it doesnt, it was his job to contact fema.
well, we told him of this verdict. he claims he contacted fema and a) they will not give him any money (duh, this is a for profit rental for him, that he has insurance on. they told us they could help him get a sba loan if thats what he needed, but hes not eligible for fema on a rental property) and b) hes not responsible for any of our items.

well. fema also told us they would give us so much a month to stay somewhere else while repairs are made. but, he claims he doesnt have to make repairs because our living quarters arent in the basement. and how in the heck do you find somewhere to rent, temporarilly?

part of me, really wants to move. again. i love our yard, i like parts of our house. but i dont like the thought of my stuff disappearing. i dont like b constantly blowing his nose and whining about respiratory issues.
i dont like moving, really.

plus, itd be our second time moving in just over a year (6 months at each location) which doesnt look good. i hate the thought of looking like a bad renter. the idea of loosing our deposit, AGAIN. ive never had this much trouble with landlords in my life. its killing me.
i mean, on a personal level, hes a nice guy. small things, hes pretty good about fixing in a fair amount of time. but big stuff, forget it!
we were without a/c for almost a month after the flood, during some of the hottest days of the year.
b's asked him to help clean up the basement and he refused to do anything. other than bring an industrial fan to "dry it out".


(no subject)

i made (yet another) blog.

i havnt posted anything as of yet.
ive sort of thought of doing this for a while. but wasnt sure how to approach it, im still not. but after a conversation after dinner with friends this evening i knew i needed to take the plunge.

im no good with citing and rewriting facts/research/etc. at least not completely. i guess thats where the "primitive" part comes in. some stuff, just goes with gut. and my gut may not match those of others. which is fine. so im sort of torn. i really just want to be able to explain my views in an uncensored environment. or somewhat uncensored.

im rambling.

but yeah, i worry that it could be too personal. if that makes any sense.

so tonight, were talking about various things. birth and such. this person having no children.
so, she says shes all about going to the hospital and getting drugs. i say thats fine, just make sure to research everything she can pertaining to whatever aspect of child bearing/raising. because i wish i had been led to various things sooner.
i somehow get brought to mentioning the us ceserean rate of 33%, i ask if she believes that 1 in 3 women honestly cant birth vaginally. she says "yes", with the utmost affirmation.
in times like this i get flustered, i get dumb founded. at this point, there is the two of us and one other female friend standing with us, so i say, of us 3, one of us are not physically able to birth vaginally? and again, she sticks firmly with her yes.
im not sure where it went after this, but i imagine i felt like i often feel. like im talking to a brick wall. or something of that nature.
i then walk away thinking of all i wished i had said. about how much higher our infant mortality is than other developed nations (and how said nations have much lower c-sec rates). how this insane rate has come about in less than 10 years. is all of this just coincidence? are americans really that faulty? that 1 in 3 females in the us (regardless of initial origin) cannot birth vaginally? is that in no way related to our much higher rate of infant mortality?

so, i just want to have a collective place to speak of these sort of thoughts/experiences. but, i dont want to offend anyone, though i wouldnt mind getting people thinking who otherwise maybe wouldnt have.

(no subject)

so. when i got married, i "eloped". or. we did i guess.
none the less my friend took pictures of the short uneventful event. which are fun to look back on.

occasionally, i get a little jealous of those that have celebratory type weddings. with all the traditional garb. mostly, i dont much care, as thats just not me.
so, none the less. when i hear/read/see/etc. of people investing all kinds of time, money and stress into a wedding, no matter how big or small (just to plan an event, that in some way is requiring an investment beyond the license fees) yet they cant afford a photographer. it makes me sad.
not because they cant afford me (i dont aim to shoot weddings, though i enjoy them when asked.) but just that apparently people feel a nice dress and cake are more important than someone able to capture those things in a way that you can enjoy them after said day.

if you cant afford a photographer, how can you afford anything for your wedding?
maybe youll have uncle james take pictures, hes got a nice camera. but does he have any idea what hes doing? i mean, sure, youll probably get the part where you kiss your groom, and you stuff cake in each others face, but what about when grandma dances with little billy, or your sister gets hit in the head with the bouquet? these are the things you want to remember. the things that will never ever happen again.

but some people dont understand i suppose. and maybe they never regret it. who knows.

it just seems like, if youre sinking anywhere over 1k into a single day, itd be on the list of priorities. otherwise the day will come and go, like every other, with no documentation save that paper you could have just as easily picked up at the court house.

(no subject)

currently, i have a blogger blog for my photography, as well as my coal documenting progress, thoughts, etc.

blogger works out well for my photography, because, since its related to google, i can put images in a blog straight from picasa.

lots of people seem to use blogger.

ive also heard good things about wordpress.

i guess, there are some things i want to write about, "share" if you will, that id like to be available to a larger audience if they so desired to read it. but would they?

i recently (as in a few days ago) flew out to phoenix arizona to help a friend drive cross country (well, to here for now. then nc in a week)

ive never been further west than a tiny town in western illinois (going to 29 palms when i was 2 doesnt count, i dont remember it, never have)
and in the south, well, georgia, up through tennessee is as far west as ive been. so, it was a cool opportunity, which i didnt even consider much at first.

i didnt take a camera. i couldnt bear the thought of loosing even my backup in the airport, and lugging it around didnt sound all that exciting. i wish i had.

i flew from sdf (louisville) to milwaukee (sp?) then to phx. flying into wi was neat, i had no idea what lake michigan would look like from that height. it was pretty stunning. i kept thinking "is that the ocean? it looks like the ocean. i know wi is not by an ocean." on the plane to phx we got stuck in the very back, where there was no window. d was not excited about this at all, so most of our flight we paced the plane. i saw the "crop circles" they talk about it "home". the ones that rely on ancient wells for irrigation. i could see that some were all used up. just baron land.
the desert was strange. im not sure exactly what i expected. no grass. no trees. just desolate land. it was a sight to see, and id love to go back sometime, but no way could i live there. i need to see, hear, feel, the life, the living things, all around me.
at night. the sky was insanely clear. otherwise it was completely black in every direction save for headlights.
it wasnt long before my body felt dry from the lack of humidity. the way it does when we use our gas heat in the bite of winter.
albequerquie nm.. it must be in a valley of sorts. you drive along, through all this blackness, then its like someone spilled a box of xmas lights ahead. its beautiful in its own terribly man made sense.
later i passed a coal fired power plant. it was pretty big. 2 boiler stacks, 6 short water cooling stacks total. loads of lights, and just visual insanity. in the middle of the desert. the middle of darkness.
this was right off the highway, as in, directly beside it.
just before texas the sun was lighting the way once more. out of nowhere, i noticed some windmills situated on a rock/hill/mountain range in the distance. sure, my brain knew they didnt belong. maybe that flat mountain top would have been somehow more esthetically pleasing had those windmills not been there. but they were, and it didnt bother me a bit.
at the first available moment i looked on my phone to find out more about this wind farm. people graze/ move their cattle on it. windmills help make up for the money they were loosing with their seemingly somewhat humane cattle business.
then in texas, there was another. this one just scattered on a piece of farm land. the land in texas was even less exciting. there were inklings of grass. a few bushes. but the land had no texture. just flat prarie land. still depressing.
by oklahoma the scenery was becoming more familiar. more green. it wasnt all that bad.
and they had a wind farm RIGHT BESIDE the highway.
if i had to choose between driving past a massive, well lit, smokey power plant or a field full of windmills. well, the windmills dont make me nearly as sad.
missouri was very familiar. the roads were the best ive ever driven on, consistently.
there were signs discussing the dot's plans past present and future and what their progress was on such. yet i didnt see a single road cone. no reduced speeds, no lane closures. and it was so insanely smooth.

all in all we drove 1800 miles in 32 hours. so, im impressed.
i do hope that next time i have a camera, and im not in a rush. ive only ever seen the east coast (and the midwest) before now. and no matter how much i KNOW that things are different elsewhere, its hard to wrap my head around just how different.
i like different.
i long to be a gypsy. gliding from place to place. making my mark, while leaving no trace. as much as i try to supress that part of me. as much as i try to cover it up with my small longing for stability and "settling down", it remains. i guess i can long for "retirement".


i can get a little defensive over the welfare debate.

oh, the joy of facebook. :)
its happened on more than one occasion. from someones post about their satisfaction wtih obama, to that about a certain local thrift store in nc.
some think welfare exists only for those too lazy to do anything for themselves.

im reminded of , i should post a mini version of my story there. or, my aunts story.

my aunt had 2 children of her own, whos father came around approx. 2x a year. child support got paid, because he was in the military, so theres no issue there. at any point, when my mother would "fall through the cracks", my aunt would offer to take me, no matter how temporary or extended. id go back and forth, my mother never giving her a dime, my aunt never asking for it.

there came a point where it was clear i was going to be with her for a good bit of time. she began to receive just over $100 a month in "afdc" for me. in addition to medicaid and whatever extra food stamps another child qualified her for.

in her late 20s, she walked several miles every week day to take her boys to day care, then walk to school, then back to day care and back home.
she got her degree, and at 28, got her license.

at some time, the state told her that she couldnt receive benefits for me unless she filed for custody and pursued my mother for child support. being that she had no intention of stiring the pot with my mom, and she knew my mom couldnt afford to pay any sort of child support, she accepted that she could no longer get benefits for me.

even still she cared for me, i dont ever remember feeling like i was loved or cared for any less than her own children. she gave me all she possibly could, and then some. it took years to realize what a sacrifice she made for me. but she did. and she always has, and i have no doubt she always will.

shortly after i moved out, she had another son. the father around. but the father died 4 years later.
his father always saw to it that she had a car while they were together. the one she had when he died, finally died as well. my grandmother who doesnt drive let her use her car, on the unspoken condition that she would bring her anything she needed any time she needed it, and take her anywhere she needed to go when she needed to go. because of this my aunts been unable to obtain a job in the recent years. so technically, shes a non hardworking welfare moocher. of course, it depends what your definition of "hard working" is.

(no subject)

well, i guess we initiated a claim with our rental insurance (for the washer, dryer, etc.)
i know i signed something like a week before the flood that said flood insurance wasnt covered under the rental policy and required a different policy or some such. but i had b talk to our agent just in case. so well hope for the best.
and if that doesnt work, fema finally declared it a federal disaster, so well look into that.
i can totally live without a dryer. but im just not motivated to wash clothes in the tub. b's been a champ, hes kept us in supply of diapers since the "disaster". as in, he washes them in the tub and hangs them on the line every few days. its pretty awesome. i havnt done anything more than ring some out and help hang a few loads. if it was solely up to me, id just go buy some. more cloth (because, you can never have too much), g's, disposables, whatever.

our neighbor lady (i lovingly refer to her as "peggy", though thats not her name at all. shes older, and before we could remember her name i decided she was a peggy.) said we could use her washer today, so i will finally have clean clothes (that i like to wear) in the near future.

im not a purist, i dont claim to be. would i like to be? sure. i really do dream of buiding a shelter from the earth and living off nothing but the land. but i am well aware of my addiction to the comforts the american society affords me, and im attempting to wean myself. slowly. one day at a time as they say in many 12 step programs.

so for now ill go finish washing dishes. by hand. because b doesnt understand why we need dishwasher liquid (weve been out for a couple weeks, dishes were coming out really gross and i wondered why. come to find out, hes been using regular dish soap. when questioned, he wondered why you needed soap at all if the water was so hot and high pressure. sigh)

(no subject)

the "flood" took out our washer and dryer (amoungst other things)

i can deal with not having a dryer, esspecially mid summer. i hang clothes mostly anyways.
brians been washing diapers by hand. what a champ. he keeps saying hell "do laundry" (referring to our clothes), but it hasnt happened, and im not even mad.

id do it. i keep meaning to actually. but i guess i get hung up on the "why the eff dont we have a washer? because our landlord never got some sewage backup valve? thats crap. i want a flipping washer" and just "recon" shirts i never wear. etc. etc.
so more often than not, i probably look like hell. which is great. ive felt like hell lately as well. since the a/c went with the "flood" as well, and just got replaced today. my house has averaged high 80s, and humid for weeks now. a shower and new clothes can only make me feel good for about an hour.

so, the a/c's fixed.
im about to go make the tub my temporary home.
yet all my favorite clothes are far past expired.

its amazing how everything is linked. if i feel "yucky", i allow myself to look yucky, or... at least feel like i look yucky. which causes me to think i am yucky. or at least that other people notice/are concerned about my yuckiness.

ive done 4 shoots in the last 3 days, and at every one, ive wanted to be like "sorry i look and possibly smell like shit. we havnt had a washer or a/c for 3 weeks. so i may as well be a squater of sorts."

in any case. well finally have a little money tomorrow (i almost said extra. ha!! is there such a thing as "extra" money?) so maybe ill insist on a new outfit, for the sake of lifting my dirty spirits.

(no subject)

i want/expect so much of myself. with photography.

i look at my images, and without a doubt, i know theyve improved. yet, i know there were times in the past, where id look at my images and think, right then and there, "thats not too shabby". i.e. been proud of my work. but now, is not one of those times. it hasnt been for a while. i dont know if its just me being extra hard on myself, or if im really.... not doing all i could? or something.

today i shot a one day old, and a three week old. (seperately)
maybe i set myself up for failure by longing to achieve something like ive seen another photographer do.
ive never shot a brand new baby, other than my own. and for whatever reason, i just photograph my children, as they are. i seldom attempt anything out of the ordinary with them.
the baby (the brand new one) was exactly as i expected. sleepy, floppsy, a little fussy when disturbed.
i went in with a concept, that the mother not only agreed to, but mentioned first! but brand new babies, are unlike anything else, so despite my meager attempts to figure out how to execute this beforehand, i was pretty much clueless.
the general rule of thumb with anything posed, is the more uncomfortable, the better it looks. if youre comfortable, you probably look terrible. so. with that in mind, i guess i was sort of hoping the baby would just sleep and not care one bit what we did, and the mother (and father) would hear my ideas and take it upon herself to contort her baby in whatever fashion, without a second thought, for the sake of an interesting photo.
but thats not what happened.
not surprisingly. i mean, even if you have an adult, and you attempt to explain what you want them to do, theyre often confussed (at least with me. i suck at words)
so. maybe it was just me. maybe the mother wasnt nervous about her infant at all. idk. i was. i couldnt sleep at night (no, thats not why im up right now) if anyone got hurt on a shoot, especially a teeny tiny baby.
though i really didnt anticipate anyone getting hurt. i guess its just squishing babies up, maybe letting their head flop a little. things that wouldnt really hurt them, but to us adults, it makes us uncomfortable. and im not about to tell someone they have to put their baby in a position that likely makes the uncomfortable.

so. yeah. im rambling.
i think the biggest problem is ive lost my people touch. i mean... im terrible with strangers, small talk, all that jazz. when i bartended, it helped A LOT! but, ive been out of that game for so long now, i just want to sit, silently, and follow people with my camera, and walk away with amazing images (this, i know i can do. but people expect me to talk, and tell them what to do. im just not that assertive anymore)
if i could hang out with someone else for a couple shoots, just to see what they talk about, how they explain themselves to the client, i think thatd help.
hell. maybe ill see if i can arrange something like that.

(no subject)

ive been doing these monsters on onesies (as well as tie dying, and stenciling designs on onesies)

i also made a mei tai. well, a few, but yeah.

i have two shoots this week. one next week. then a wedding the beginning of september.

in addition to a supposed shoot whenever this lady finally has her baby.
and of course, theres several other hopefuls.

im also waiting for a large family to place their individual orders. waiting for orders stinks. i tend to give up after a while.

which reminds me that i have a client that never did pick up their prints (large, and mounted at that)
and im a terrible person and still havnt learned to have people pay BEFORE i order their prints. sigh.

in addition to that... oh crap! ive got to contact a few people about my documentary.

its exciting, i feel sorta swamped. i really wish i could afford to employ people to do.... well, everything but take the pictures :) (and final editing) but i cant. so i can only move as fast as.. i can move.

i invested in a host (thank you broken_contents ) and transferred my domain. so ive been working pretty hard trying to completely (well, mostly) redo my site, so that once everythings moved over, its ready to go.

theres all sorts of crazy exciting stuff going down. brians got the potential for a pretty interesting job (for him anyways. who am i kidding, its fucking interesting) but i dont want to talk about it for fear of jinxing it. hopefully we know more by the end of the month.
he also going back to school at the end of this month, and taking classroom classes (instead of online) this time. so... yeah, theres just all sorts of good things coming, but a lot of uncertainty with it. at least its not the bad kind of uncertainty. its just the, hmm... where are we going now? sort of thing.


(no subject)

im trying to grasp this...


so many thoughts...
i mean, i wouldnt call myself atheist. yet im....offended?
i wouldnt call myself christian either, not that it matters, because really, i try to be caring, compassionate, and respectful of all religions. we all have our thoughts, our beliefs. our reasons.

the funny thing, is while the comment sounds like something id potentially say sarcastically in a heated discussion, the persons serious. (i know this because i know the person that posted this, as well as the one that responded)

i stared and i stared. i thought "these types are a lost cause", and continued to stare. i have to share with someone.
i mean, i cant speak for every person, not every atheist, christian, jew, muslim, buddhist, etc. but generally speaking, ive never felt like atheists think "nothing came from nothing" etc. really, those that are open about their atheism, and discuss it in an open fashion, are quite intellectual and think much more complex thoughts than that.
maybe thats it. maybe atheis is just to complex for people like this to understand. like the commenter said "so much easier to believe god created everything."
i mean, its true. my work would be a lot easier if i could simply justify everything with "god". such as "mom, why does it flood?" "well sweetie, you see... god wanted it to flood."

disclaimer: dear beautiful, wonderful, christian readers. as i said, i totally respect and appreciate your beliefs and reasonings. i am in no way thinking all of you are so closeminded. i just needed to point out this specific case of sheepleness, where one absolutely refusses to think for themselves, and chooses to speak poorly of anyone who does.
thanks for reading.