June 20th, 2006

eggs

(no subject)

Dear you,
    Can you take a minute to step out from behind those selfish eyes? Maybe you could sympathize, at least for a moment. Have you ever tried to fathom, with your lack of education, lack of skill, lack of personal possessions, in your "youth", growing to depend on someone for so much more than emotional support. And then, being forced, shoved, out into the cold hard world, all alone, not a penny or material possession to your name. Just you and your kids. But wait, its going to get better. One day someone will attempt to take the one thing you have, as well, in hopes of leaving you with nothing. And its not because you’ve done anything wrong, that you put anything before you kids, or put them in harms way. Its because, well, quite frankly, you don’t matter. You’re not human. You don’t have emotions. Why would you care if they took your children?

But lets backtrack. Take all that and imagine working, trying to "pull your weight". Imagine finishing school on your own free will, then going on to college full time while working full time. And still trying to be a mom as much as possible. Imagine knowing that your situation is far from desirable in more ways than one. But sticking to it because you think its what is right, you think its what is going to make things better in the long run. Imagine, finally, getting the courage to do what you know is right, and what is best, and sticking with it, no matter what. And every time you start to stand up on your own two feet, you start to feel a little more solid, a little more like things just might be ok. Imagine this constant reoccurring storm coming out of nowhere and wreaking havoc. Imagine the one thing you love and cherish more than anything in the world being at risk. The threat of it being taken from you, for no apparent reason. You’ve done nothing wrong, You’ve done nothing but the best you knew how to do, and you are constantly trying to improve, to learn, to grow, so that you can make sure that this thing, this person, one day knows and understands how much you love and cherish it. Imagine someone testing that love. Thinking that their love could somehow be greater; that’s what this is, a competition. Isn’t it?

It feels like someone has a gun to my child’s head, and there are no variables as to whether or not the trigger gets pulled other than understanding, and reasoning. Which amazingly are few and far between these days.

You have this wonderful thing, and as much as you want to keep it to yourself, we all know things are much more enjoyed when they’re shared. So you try to share it. You trust people with it. You’re actually very generous. But generosity often gets taken advantage of.
So imagine that. I’m not even completely asking you to try to see things through my eyes, because that’s a whole other story. We all know you’re underlying motives here. So sit back and imagine your life in a different scenario.

--
-Jes

P.S. This is NOT an attempt to insult the way you chose to grow up, or raise your children. I too would have taken that route had i thought it fesable, but, merely an attempt at understanding. Because, yes, I havnt thought of where you stand, and how you feel. Hence the reason ive made as many attempts at compliance as possible in the past.