My uncle

I'm being sort of preemptive here. My uncles on life support. Or close enough. Tomorrrow that will end.
The odds are pretty good everyone will say goodbye then. I'm guessing he's already said his goodbyes. In essence.

death is always hard. At least for the average European American. I think. It's how were raised. I want to celebrate death. Or. The life that was. I want to be happy about knowing my loved ones are going on to enjoy the afterlife. Or be reincarnated as an eagle. Whatever. But, I still find myself getting choked up.

I can count the number of men who had a lasting. Positive impact. On me. On one hand. One finger would be reserved for lee smit sr.

I remember the lightning bugs landing on his nose as he smoked his cigarette. Outside of course.
His warm hearty chuckle.
He always went to the same gas station. Even if it was only for coffee. I think I called it the cub stop (which I believe was derived from curb)

I lived with my aunt and uncle for half of my second grade school year. This was the first time I was separated from my mom after learning of her condition. She went to rehab. I went to Athens.
While this was only the beginning of me bouncing around, their home was the most stable and "normal" id ever live in.
There was a mother. And a father. And a son. And a daughter. All of them would treat me with love and respect.

My cousins (their children) were of college age. So I got treated as an only child in a lot of ways. I was used to being an only child, but not like this. I got more attention in those 5 or so months than I did in 2+ years any other time.

I've grown. Gotten busy. I don't keep up with family like I wish I did. But I don't forget them either.

Getting olders hard. Saying goodbye to those you love is hard. Not seeing them to say goodbye is hard too.

I hope he finds peace. I hope my aunt and his children don't hurt too much. I hope my children are impacted by someone as great as he.

Its strange to imagine never seeing him again. My great grandmothers still kicking. I guess he's had heart problems, but I had no idea they were this severe. I'm not sure if anyone did.

I'll miss him.

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You know what's stressful? When you take your mom to dinner and her meal costs as much as you and your husbands combined. Then. She barely eats the shit.

She knows were trying to reserve our funds for our house and all the crap she wants to do with holly (she prepaid us to pay for those things)

It really bugs me. We eat out alot, but we have it down to a science. So that we don't spend much more than we would to eat at home. We share meals when possible. (me and b a plate. D and a a plate.) and usually drink water.

Idk. It's stressful. I just want my house. Peace. And normalcy.

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(no subject)

my hormones. im not sure ive ever felt so much contempt during pregnancy. i mean, im normally hormonal, but i seem to have split personalities now.

and theres nothing like some random "mommy" to make my blood boil.

i post an article regarding ultrasound safety, that basically just stated its never been officially tested.

some stupid lady says "ill let you know, i get one every week."
and maybe she didnt intend to be a snarky bitch. but that sure is how im taking it.


(no subject)

i really try not to interject with things a discuss' with her dads side of the family. but its becoming a problem.
for instance...

she ALWAYS talks "like a baby" (ya know, that super, chipper, whiney, cutesy tone that is not her normal voice) when she talks to anyone (mostly her dad or his mom, as she doesnt talk to the others often)
shes downright selfish and materialistic with them.
one day she broke a toy that her "memaw" (dads mom) gave her, called memaw and said "can you buy me another?" then yesterday, called to find out if she had mailed it yet. apparently she hadnt, so a asked to call her today to see if she had yet. (i told her no)
every conversation with her dad lately has been about her "wist" (online wish list) and what she wants him to get her for xmas.
he asked her about certain items, what she liked about them and such. she told him she didnt know, it just looked cool.

he feels like he has to have money saved up to get her for a weekend, because she always wants stuff, and to go places, etc. which i know is his problem/fault, but it still kills me.

i know children learn how they can interact with individuals on an individual level. if someone shows that theyll purchase their love for the child, the child will let them, and look for that. thats NOT how things are in our house. and a knows this, a knows that she doesnt get five, or even one, thing every time we step in a store.

so. in addition to the materialistic bit, theres the whole baby talk, dumbing down, bit. which is likely of even more concern.
her dad throws little ... tests? at her. yesterday he mentioned her writting some letter backwards, and when they were about to say their goodbyes, she inisisted she could spell bye, typed it, as "buy" and he corrected her, with disappointment.
i KNOW she knows how to spell bye, shes done it on numerous occasions. i know she knows how to do a lot of things, but for some reason, this is what happens when asked to perform for others.

i explained this to her, in the nicest way possible (saying that her dad cared about her and was concerned and stuff) and told her that if people felt like she wasnt learning everything she was supposed to, someone would intervene and insist she go to public school.

so that part REALLY bugs me. i know my child isnt clueless and ignorant, the way she comes off to others. im not sure how to encourage her to ... i hate to say it, but, act her age. in front of others (i mean, she talks like a baby and plays dumb in front of... nearly everyone that isnt us.)


(no subject)

so. im pregnant.

i havnt made any sort of formal announcement until now and this ones just to start the following story. i really only told my aunt plus a few people who im'd me when i first figured it out.

anyways. my understanding is that passport (ky medicaid) for pregnant women covers dental (this is one of those many things that are decided on a state level) and dog knows i need dental work (not that pregnancy is the best time to get it. but not full price is not full price) so, were half attempting to get passport for me for this reason (which, im starting to wonder if its even worth it since im technically in the 3rd trimester now, and serious procedures are not advised during the 1st and 3rd trimesters)

blah blah.
well, of course, i have to get a pregnancy test (which i should probably have anyways, in case its needed for the birth certificate) so we go to one place, they say they cant do it for a month (are you serious? a freaking test! youre THAT busy?!) and i ask about other places. they suggest "a womans choice" downtown. take note of that name!

as soon as we pull up i get a funny feeling.
the door says "abortion counseling", "free sonograms", and stuff of that nature.
i read as often as i think about it, and before even entering i feel confident that this is the place, that the anti choice folks try to trick women planning to terminate a pregnancy to going to.

so, we enter, the old lady at the counter says well have to come back tomorrow, because even though they dont close until 4, they need plenty of time to "counsel" me after giving me the test. b asks what they have to counsel me about and junk. she explains that theyre a "ministry" and want to talk to me about where i am "spiritually" and stuff. i just want a f#%$ing pregnancy test so i can get my teeth fixed lady! (plus itd be nice knowing i have "insurance" should i need to transfer, ya know)

so anyways. im going to see about some other places tomorrow. im just not ok with the place thats called "a womans choice" that actually makes every attempt to discourage choice. i dont want/need to discuss my faith or spirituality with anyone.

im all for freedom of opinion, speech, whatever. but violence, persuasion, lying, trickery, invading personal space, etc. is not acceptable. it wouldnt be acceptable if we used it to protest the construction of a new power plant, why is it acceptable here?

id rather wrestle through the nut jobs on saturday morning to get my test, than to give these folks the honor of my presence.
actually, itd likely be somewhat amusing. having 80+ anti choicers thinking i was going in to attempt to terminate my 6 month old fetus. oh man, im pretty round too, maybe i could convince them i was further than that.

(no subject)

this past week i ordered some prints.
2 orders for clients (only one was imminent) and some mtr ones for me.

the client that was expecting her image this week. well, she was expecting it. i told her id have it by friday and take it to her.
friday comes, we have things to do and dont sit at home all day. nothing unusual.
we get home friday night, no note, no package. then i remember "ahh! fedex has tracking." so i check on that, yup, says it was delivered, left on porch.
so wheres my package?

b walks around the neighborhood with a flashlight, no package.
its now sunday. noones come by, or stopped us outside, and said "hey, there was a package on your porch so i grabbed it to hold onto until you were around." or anything.

so where in the hell is the package?
how do i tell a client "ok, i promise i wasnt lying, i did order your picture, but it disappeared." i.e. some strange person has a picture of your daughter. im sorry.

its really shitty. i mean, we live in a mediocre part of town, but im not worried about the less than mediocre areas that immediately surround us, im worried about my neighbors!
lets make this an issue of race. there is one african american that lives on our street, and hes the only person on this street that i halfway trust/have faith in.

so. to accompany the neighbor fun, crazy cat lady peggy left us a note friday (coincidence?) telling us to come get our cats that goes in/out.
she says theyre indoor cats, they eat all her food, and one has been in her garage for weeks (funny, i swear we saw him the day before)
so. peggy (not her real name, i just think shes a peggy) has something like 6 outdoor cats, and 3 indoor cats. because of this she leaves cat food outside and has a cat door on her garage.
is it my fault that when i let my cat out it eats her food and goes in her kitty door?
how about how she always gives my dogs milk bones when she goes outside? its like pavlov, they here her back door open and run over and jump on the fence, waiting.
i guess when the fence ends up getting pushed over (and dog forbid one of my dogs runs into her yard and eats one of her cats) well be responsible for the fence. which is reassuring, because i dont like her giving the dogs shit anyways. their diet is pretty strict, and when they get junk like "milk bones" it makes them difficult to live with.

oh. then there was the day (sometime last week?) one of the girls was out there (its like 60s-70s during the day) with not a ton of clothing because b wanted them to get a good dose of vit. d (all 3 were fighting some bug off and on) then he overhears peggy saying something about dss to a.?! so i guess he interjected to see what was going on, and peggy was like "you need to get clothes on those girls, its freezing."
he of course told her he didnt need her to tell him what to do with his children or some such. but yeah.
this is my life.

away from the house, things are good. theres so much going on this time of year, its hard to even do half.
in the house theyre not even bad. im really trying to get in touch with my nesting. hehehe.

d's falling asleep in my lap, i need to get dressed.

(no subject)

I MUST order business cards and related materials.
I MUST finish editing a shoot.
I MUST charge my new battery.
I must redo my phone.
I must get my ducks in a row.

we took d to a clinical herbalist today. it was a cool experience, somewhat surreal. it was much cheaper than any allopathic much less homeopathic doctor would have been. that's not to say our/her problems are resolved. but I'm not certain anyone would have a surefire answer without trial and error. at least with this I'm not worried about any side effects, etc. worst case scenario, nothing changes and were on to plan b.

it was cool though. haha. it's a little unmarked building in an alley. I'm officially a quack.
there was no exam table or sterile metal tray. it was really personal. we will no doubt see him again.

I'm going round and round with the. radios for my camera. it's confussing to explain but basically they updated the firmware to where Im supposed to sink another $200+ to accomplish what I was accomplishing pre upgrade. it's killing me.

(no subject)

so, ever since the first incident of us being out of town and having things disappear from our home ive suspected our neighbor, just sort of, gut feeling? i guess. i just dont care for the guy.
then b went over there one day and noticed one of those "pet i cure" things on his table, we HAD one (but since havnt been able to find it.. hmm?)
i mean, its just a peticure, anyone could have one of those.

so, then the whole story this past time. the convenience of him having seen "the kids" running out of our house with a bag or whatever, blah blah.
this man that likely weighs around 300 lbs. supposedly chased these kids through our back yard and down the alley (but our back gate is chained shut, so he jumped the fence?)
just, he had such a huge elaborate story about the whole thing, i wasnt really buying it.

so. today b gets a call from a guy down the street. guy down the street says whatever, explaining that next door guy is telling everyone about these things he aquired, and guy down the street names the things that have gone missing, though weve never told guy down the street all the things that have disappeared.

so yeah, its really frustrating. i want to move, without moving. i mean, part of me is all like "i really like our back yard, and our garden that weve invested quite a bit into" not to mention other plants and herbs in the yard. yes, this is my first thought when i think of moving. haha.

ugh. its just frustrating. i dont feel threatened. i dont worry that someone will come in in the night. instead i worry that well come home to nothing.
i hate locking the door. really. i mean, for long trips, sure. but in nc, we never locked the door unless we were going to be gone more than a few days. i certainly didnt lock it when we were home.
our front lock is a big pain in the butt, so anymore we have to go in and out the side door, which makes for its own headache.

we hardly do anything on this side of town. i mean, we have to make a conscious effort just to go to the meijer over here. so wed probably save money if we found something a bit more east.

what to do, what to do.