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[02 Oct 2010|09:11pm]

Molds bbbboolz zxhjkkncgjn g
L hgvggvvbbhjjnjnkmmkkjf huoookm

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[02 Oct 2010|09:11pm]

Molds bbbboolz zxhjkkncgjn g
L hgvggvvbbhjjnjnkmmkkjf huoookm

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

post comment

My uncle [31 Aug 2010|12:26am]

I'm being sort of preemptive here. My uncles on life support. Or close enough. Tomorrrow that will end.
The odds are pretty good everyone will say goodbye then. I'm guessing he's already said his goodbyes. In essence.

death is always hard. At least for the average European American. I think. It's how were raised. I want to celebrate death. Or. The life that was. I want to be happy about knowing my loved ones are going on to enjoy the afterlife. Or be reincarnated as an eagle. Whatever. But, I still find myself getting choked up.

I can count the number of men who had a lasting. Positive impact. On me. On one hand. One finger would be reserved for lee smit sr.

I remember the lightning bugs landing on his nose as he smoked his cigarette. Outside of course.
His warm hearty chuckle.
He always went to the same gas station. Even if it was only for coffee. I think I called it the cub stop (which I believe was derived from curb)

I lived with my aunt and uncle for half of my second grade school year. This was the first time I was separated from my mom after learning of her condition. She went to rehab. I went to Athens.
While this was only the beginning of me bouncing around, their home was the most stable and "normal" id ever live in.
There was a mother. And a father. And a son. And a daughter. All of them would treat me with love and respect.

My cousins (their children) were of college age. So I got treated as an only child in a lot of ways. I was used to being an only child, but not like this. I got more attention in those 5 or so months than I did in 2+ years any other time.

I've grown. Gotten busy. I don't keep up with family like I wish I did. But I don't forget them either.

Getting olders hard. Saying goodbye to those you love is hard. Not seeing them to say goodbye is hard too.

I hope he finds peace. I hope my aunt and his children don't hurt too much. I hope my children are impacted by someone as great as he.

Its strange to imagine never seeing him again. My great grandmothers still kicking. I guess he's had heart problems, but I had no idea they were this severe. I'm not sure if anyone did.

I'll miss him.

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Mom [03 Aug 2010|09:46pm]

You know what's stressful? When you take your mom to dinner and her meal costs as much as you and your husbands combined. Then. She barely eats the shit.

She knows were trying to reserve our funds for our house and all the crap she wants to do with holly (she prepaid us to pay for those things)

It really bugs me. We eat out alot, but we have it down to a science. So that we don't spend much more than we would to eat at home. We share meals when possible. (me and b a plate. D and a a plate.) and usually drink water.

Idk. It's stressful. I just want my house. Peace. And normalcy.

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[26 Nov 2009|11:04pm]
my hormones. im not sure ive ever felt so much contempt during pregnancy. i mean, im normally hormonal, but i seem to have split personalities now.

and theres nothing like some random "mommy" to make my blood boil.

i post an article regarding ultrasound safety, that basically just stated its never been officially tested.

some stupid lady says "ill let you know, i get one every week."
and maybe she didnt intend to be a snarky bitch. but that sure is how im taking it.

sigh.
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[08 Nov 2009|10:05am]
i really try not to interject with things a discuss' with her dads side of the family. but its becoming a problem.
for instance...

she ALWAYS talks "like a baby" (ya know, that super, chipper, whiney, cutesy tone that is not her normal voice) when she talks to anyone (mostly her dad or his mom, as she doesnt talk to the others often)
shes downright selfish and materialistic with them.
one day she broke a toy that her "memaw" (dads mom) gave her, called memaw and said "can you buy me another?" then yesterday, called to find out if she had mailed it yet. apparently she hadnt, so a asked to call her today to see if she had yet. (i told her no)
every conversation with her dad lately has been about her "wist" (online wish list) and what she wants him to get her for xmas.
he asked her about certain items, what she liked about them and such. she told him she didnt know, it just looked cool.

he feels like he has to have money saved up to get her for a weekend, because she always wants stuff, and to go places, etc. which i know is his problem/fault, but it still kills me.

i know children learn how they can interact with individuals on an individual level. if someone shows that theyll purchase their love for the child, the child will let them, and look for that. thats NOT how things are in our house. and a knows this, a knows that she doesnt get five, or even one, thing every time we step in a store.

so. in addition to the materialistic bit, theres the whole baby talk, dumbing down, bit. which is likely of even more concern.
her dad throws little ... tests? at her. yesterday he mentioned her writting some letter backwards, and when they were about to say their goodbyes, she inisisted she could spell bye, typed it, as "buy" and he corrected her, with disappointment.
i KNOW she knows how to spell bye, shes done it on numerous occasions. i know she knows how to do a lot of things, but for some reason, this is what happens when asked to perform for others.

i explained this to her, in the nicest way possible (saying that her dad cared about her and was concerned and stuff) and told her that if people felt like she wasnt learning everything she was supposed to, someone would intervene and insist she go to public school.

so that part REALLY bugs me. i know my child isnt clueless and ignorant, the way she comes off to others. im not sure how to encourage her to ... i hate to say it, but, act her age. in front of others (i mean, she talks like a baby and plays dumb in front of... nearly everyone that isnt us.)

advice?
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[28 Oct 2009|01:28am]
so. im pregnant.

i havnt made any sort of formal announcement until now and this ones just to start the following story. i really only told my aunt plus a few people who im'd me when i first figured it out.

anyways. my understanding is that passport (ky medicaid) for pregnant women covers dental (this is one of those many things that are decided on a state level) and dog knows i need dental work (not that pregnancy is the best time to get it. but not full price is not full price) so, were half attempting to get passport for me for this reason (which, im starting to wonder if its even worth it since im technically in the 3rd trimester now, and serious procedures are not advised during the 1st and 3rd trimesters)

blah blah.
well, of course, i have to get a pregnancy test (which i should probably have anyways, in case its needed for the birth certificate) so we go to one place, they say they cant do it for a month (are you serious? a freaking test! youre THAT busy?!) and i ask about other places. they suggest "a womans choice" downtown. take note of that name!

as soon as we pull up i get a funny feeling.
the door says "abortion counseling", "free sonograms", and stuff of that nature.
i read http://everysaturdaymorning.wordpress.com as often as i think about it, and before even entering i feel confident that this is the place, that the anti choice folks try to trick women planning to terminate a pregnancy to going to.

so, we enter, the old lady at the counter says well have to come back tomorrow, because even though they dont close until 4, they need plenty of time to "counsel" me after giving me the test. b asks what they have to counsel me about and junk. she explains that theyre a "ministry" and want to talk to me about where i am "spiritually" and stuff. i just want a f#%$ing pregnancy test so i can get my teeth fixed lady! (plus itd be nice knowing i have "insurance" should i need to transfer, ya know)

so anyways. im going to see about some other places tomorrow. im just not ok with the place thats called "a womans choice" that actually makes every attempt to discourage choice. i dont want/need to discuss my faith or spirituality with anyone.

im all for freedom of opinion, speech, whatever. but violence, persuasion, lying, trickery, invading personal space, etc. is not acceptable. it wouldnt be acceptable if we used it to protest the construction of a new power plant, why is it acceptable here?

id rather wrestle through the nut jobs on saturday morning to get my test, than to give these folks the honor of my presence.
actually, itd likely be somewhat amusing. having 80+ anti choicers thinking i was going in to attempt to terminate my 6 month old fetus. oh man, im pretty round too, maybe i could convince them i was further than that.
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[18 Oct 2009|11:44am]
this past week i ordered some prints.
2 orders for clients (only one was imminent) and some mtr ones for me.

the client that was expecting her image this week. well, she was expecting it. i told her id have it by friday and take it to her.
friday comes, we have things to do and dont sit at home all day. nothing unusual.
we get home friday night, no note, no package. then i remember "ahh! fedex has tracking." so i check on that, yup, says it was delivered, left on porch.
so wheres my package?

b walks around the neighborhood with a flashlight, no package.
its now sunday. noones come by, or stopped us outside, and said "hey, there was a package on your porch so i grabbed it to hold onto until you were around." or anything.

so where in the hell is the package?
how do i tell a client "ok, i promise i wasnt lying, i did order your picture, but it disappeared." i.e. some strange person has a picture of your daughter. im sorry.

its really shitty. i mean, we live in a mediocre part of town, but im not worried about the less than mediocre areas that immediately surround us, im worried about my neighbors!
lets make this an issue of race. there is one african american that lives on our street, and hes the only person on this street that i halfway trust/have faith in.

so. to accompany the neighbor fun, crazy cat lady peggy left us a note friday (coincidence?) telling us to come get our cats that goes in/out.
she says theyre indoor cats, they eat all her food, and one has been in her garage for weeks (funny, i swear we saw him the day before)
so. peggy (not her real name, i just think shes a peggy) has something like 6 outdoor cats, and 3 indoor cats. because of this she leaves cat food outside and has a cat door on her garage.
is it my fault that when i let my cat out it eats her food and goes in her kitty door?
how about how she always gives my dogs milk bones when she goes outside? its like pavlov, they here her back door open and run over and jump on the fence, waiting.
i guess when the fence ends up getting pushed over (and dog forbid one of my dogs runs into her yard and eats one of her cats) well be responsible for the fence. which is reassuring, because i dont like her giving the dogs shit anyways. their diet is pretty strict, and when they get junk like "milk bones" it makes them difficult to live with.

oh. then there was the day (sometime last week?) one of the girls was out there (its like 60s-70s during the day) with not a ton of clothing because b wanted them to get a good dose of vit. d (all 3 were fighting some bug off and on) then he overhears peggy saying something about dss to a.?! so i guess he interjected to see what was going on, and peggy was like "you need to get clothes on those girls, its freezing."
he of course told her he didnt need her to tell him what to do with his children or some such. but yeah.
this is my life.

away from the house, things are good. theres so much going on this time of year, its hard to even do half.
in the house theyre not even bad. im really trying to get in touch with my nesting. hehehe.

d's falling asleep in my lap, i need to get dressed.
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[08 Oct 2009|03:45pm]
I MUST order business cards and related materials.
I MUST finish editing a shoot.
I MUST charge my new battery.
I must redo my phone.
I must get my ducks in a row.

we took d to a clinical herbalist today. it was a cool experience, somewhat surreal. it was much cheaper than any allopathic much less homeopathic doctor would have been. that's not to say our/her problems are resolved. but I'm not certain anyone would have a surefire answer without trial and error. at least with this I'm not worried about any side effects, etc. worst case scenario, nothing changes and were on to plan b.

it was cool though. haha. it's a little unmarked building in an alley. I'm officially a quack.
there was no exam table or sterile metal tray. it was really personal. we will no doubt see him again.

I'm going round and round with the. radios for my camera. it's confussing to explain but basically they updated the firmware to where Im supposed to sink another $200+ to accomplish what I was accomplishing pre upgrade. it's killing me.
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[02 Oct 2009|11:56pm]
so, ever since the first incident of us being out of town and having things disappear from our home ive suspected our neighbor, just sort of, gut feeling? i guess. i just dont care for the guy.
then b went over there one day and noticed one of those "pet i cure" things on his table, we HAD one (but since havnt been able to find it.. hmm?)
i mean, its just a peticure, anyone could have one of those.

so, then the whole story this past time. the convenience of him having seen "the kids" running out of our house with a bag or whatever, blah blah.
this man that likely weighs around 300 lbs. supposedly chased these kids through our back yard and down the alley (but our back gate is chained shut, so he jumped the fence?)
just, he had such a huge elaborate story about the whole thing, i wasnt really buying it.

so. today b gets a call from a guy down the street. guy down the street says whatever, explaining that next door guy is telling everyone about these things he aquired, and guy down the street names the things that have gone missing, though weve never told guy down the street all the things that have disappeared.

so yeah, its really frustrating. i want to move, without moving. i mean, part of me is all like "i really like our back yard, and our garden that weve invested quite a bit into" not to mention other plants and herbs in the yard. yes, this is my first thought when i think of moving. haha.

ugh. its just frustrating. i dont feel threatened. i dont worry that someone will come in in the night. instead i worry that well come home to nothing.
i hate locking the door. really. i mean, for long trips, sure. but in nc, we never locked the door unless we were going to be gone more than a few days. i certainly didnt lock it when we were home.
our front lock is a big pain in the butt, so anymore we have to go in and out the side door, which makes for its own headache.

we hardly do anything on this side of town. i mean, we have to make a conscious effort just to go to the meijer over here. so wed probably save money if we found something a bit more east.

what to do, what to do.
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[17 Sep 2009|11:11pm]
we went to nc, came back, someone had broken a window in our backdoor to open said door. the only thing weve found missing was a psp.
this is the second time someones come in while we were out of town. last time b was missing some nintendo ds' and our piggy bank and penny jar disappeared. oh yeah, and a recently told us shes been missing her camera for quite some time. so thats probably where that went too. :(

yet, the 405932850 computers remain untouched. its silly.
the neighbor said he saw the (kids) leaving and chased them down, grabbing ones arm, after calling the police. but the kid got away.
aparently this has happened to multiple people in the neighborhood recently. its really crappy.

we got a costco membership today. thats kinda cool.

i really want to make my business "official" or whatever. but its so overwhelming. i mean, i dont generate enough income (technically im still in the hole) for me to personally justify hiring an accountant, but im lost. i keep getting mixed .. findings? on what to do. what my responsibilities are, etc.

so we had that flood a couple months ago. got several feet of water in the basement. EVERYTHING we had down there was ruined.
seems most of it was due to not having some "sewage shut off valve" installed. which the landlord knew about and could get free from msd.
floods are not, and cannot be covered by renters insurance. fortunately fema came in and we got a little money, enough to replace our washer (still no dryer, thank goodness for a clothesline and the sun!)
they told us they couldnt pay for certain stuff because the owner of the house has insurance that should cover it, and if it doesnt, it was his job to contact fema.
well, we told him of this verdict. he claims he contacted fema and a) they will not give him any money (duh, this is a for profit rental for him, that he has insurance on. they told us they could help him get a sba loan if thats what he needed, but hes not eligible for fema on a rental property) and b) hes not responsible for any of our items.

well. fema also told us they would give us so much a month to stay somewhere else while repairs are made. but, he claims he doesnt have to make repairs because our living quarters arent in the basement. and how in the heck do you find somewhere to rent, temporarilly?

part of me, really wants to move. again. i love our yard, i like parts of our house. but i dont like the thought of my stuff disappearing. i dont like b constantly blowing his nose and whining about respiratory issues.
i dont like moving, really.

plus, itd be our second time moving in just over a year (6 months at each location) which doesnt look good. i hate the thought of looking like a bad renter. the idea of loosing our deposit, AGAIN. ive never had this much trouble with landlords in my life. its killing me.
i mean, on a personal level, hes a nice guy. small things, hes pretty good about fixing in a fair amount of time. but big stuff, forget it!
we were without a/c for almost a month after the flood, during some of the hottest days of the year.
b's asked him to help clean up the basement and he refused to do anything. other than bring an industrial fan to "dry it out".

sigh.
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[10 Sep 2009|01:19am]
i made (yet another) blog. primitivemom.blogspot.com

i havnt posted anything as of yet.
ive sort of thought of doing this for a while. but wasnt sure how to approach it, im still not. but after a conversation after dinner with friends this evening i knew i needed to take the plunge.

im no good with citing and rewriting facts/research/etc. at least not completely. i guess thats where the "primitive" part comes in. some stuff, just goes with gut. and my gut may not match those of others. which is fine. so im sort of torn. i really just want to be able to explain my views in an uncensored environment. or somewhat uncensored.

im rambling.

but yeah, i worry that it could be too personal. if that makes any sense.

so tonight, were talking about various things. birth and such. this person having no children.
so, she says shes all about going to the hospital and getting drugs. i say thats fine, just make sure to research everything she can pertaining to whatever aspect of child bearing/raising. because i wish i had been led to various things sooner.
i somehow get brought to mentioning the us ceserean rate of 33%, i ask if she believes that 1 in 3 women honestly cant birth vaginally. she says "yes", with the utmost affirmation.
in times like this i get flustered, i get dumb founded. at this point, there is the two of us and one other female friend standing with us, so i say, of us 3, one of us are not physically able to birth vaginally? and again, she sticks firmly with her yes.
im not sure where it went after this, but i imagine i felt like i often feel. like im talking to a brick wall. or something of that nature.
i then walk away thinking of all i wished i had said. about how much higher our infant mortality is than other developed nations (and how said nations have much lower c-sec rates). how this insane rate has come about in less than 10 years. is all of this just coincidence? are americans really that faulty? that 1 in 3 females in the us (regardless of initial origin) cannot birth vaginally? is that in no way related to our much higher rate of infant mortality?

so, i just want to have a collective place to speak of these sort of thoughts/experiences. but, i dont want to offend anyone, though i wouldnt mind getting people thinking who otherwise maybe wouldnt have.
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[04 Sep 2009|03:29am]
so. when i got married, i "eloped". or. we did i guess.
none the less my friend took pictures of the short uneventful event. which are fun to look back on.

occasionally, i get a little jealous of those that have celebratory type weddings. with all the traditional garb. mostly, i dont much care, as thats just not me.
so, none the less. when i hear/read/see/etc. of people investing all kinds of time, money and stress into a wedding, no matter how big or small (just to plan an event, that in some way is requiring an investment beyond the license fees) yet they cant afford a photographer. it makes me sad.
not because they cant afford me (i dont aim to shoot weddings, though i enjoy them when asked.) but just that apparently people feel a nice dress and cake are more important than someone able to capture those things in a way that you can enjoy them after said day.

if you cant afford a photographer, how can you afford anything for your wedding?
maybe youll have uncle james take pictures, hes got a nice camera. but does he have any idea what hes doing? i mean, sure, youll probably get the part where you kiss your groom, and you stuff cake in each others face, but what about when grandma dances with little billy, or your sister gets hit in the head with the bouquet? these are the things you want to remember. the things that will never ever happen again.

but some people dont understand i suppose. and maybe they never regret it. who knows.

it just seems like, if youre sinking anywhere over 1k into a single day, itd be on the list of priorities. otherwise the day will come and go, like every other, with no documentation save that paper you could have just as easily picked up at the court house.
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[29 Aug 2009|01:58am]
currently, i have a blogger blog for my photography, as well as my coal documenting progress, thoughts, etc.

blogger works out well for my photography, because, since its related to google, i can put images in a blog straight from picasa.

lots of people seem to use blogger.

ive also heard good things about wordpress.

i guess, there are some things i want to write about, "share" if you will, that id like to be available to a larger audience if they so desired to read it. but would they?

i recently (as in a few days ago) flew out to phoenix arizona to help a friend drive cross country (well, to here for now. then nc in a week)

ive never been further west than a tiny town in western illinois (going to 29 palms when i was 2 doesnt count, i dont remember it, never have)
and in the south, well, georgia, up through tennessee is as far west as ive been. so, it was a cool opportunity, which i didnt even consider much at first.

i didnt take a camera. i couldnt bear the thought of loosing even my backup in the airport, and lugging it around didnt sound all that exciting. i wish i had.

i flew from sdf (louisville) to milwaukee (sp?) then to phx. flying into wi was neat, i had no idea what lake michigan would look like from that height. it was pretty stunning. i kept thinking "is that the ocean? it looks like the ocean. i know wi is not by an ocean." on the plane to phx we got stuck in the very back, where there was no window. d was not excited about this at all, so most of our flight we paced the plane. i saw the "crop circles" they talk about it "home". the ones that rely on ancient wells for irrigation. i could see that some were all used up. just baron land.
the desert was strange. im not sure exactly what i expected. no grass. no trees. just desolate land. it was a sight to see, and id love to go back sometime, but no way could i live there. i need to see, hear, feel, the life, the living things, all around me.
at night. the sky was insanely clear. otherwise it was completely black in every direction save for headlights.
it wasnt long before my body felt dry from the lack of humidity. the way it does when we use our gas heat in the bite of winter.
albequerquie nm.. it must be in a valley of sorts. you drive along, through all this blackness, then its like someone spilled a box of xmas lights ahead. its beautiful in its own terribly man made sense.
later i passed a coal fired power plant. it was pretty big. 2 boiler stacks, 6 short water cooling stacks total. loads of lights, and just visual insanity. in the middle of the desert. the middle of darkness.
this was right off the highway, as in, directly beside it.
just before texas the sun was lighting the way once more. out of nowhere, i noticed some windmills situated on a rock/hill/mountain range in the distance. sure, my brain knew they didnt belong. maybe that flat mountain top would have been somehow more esthetically pleasing had those windmills not been there. but they were, and it didnt bother me a bit.
at the first available moment i looked on my phone to find out more about this wind farm. people graze/ move their cattle on it. windmills help make up for the money they were loosing with their seemingly somewhat humane cattle business.
then in texas, there was another. this one just scattered on a piece of farm land. the land in texas was even less exciting. there were inklings of grass. a few bushes. but the land had no texture. just flat prarie land. still depressing.
by oklahoma the scenery was becoming more familiar. more green. it wasnt all that bad.
and they had a wind farm RIGHT BESIDE the highway.
if i had to choose between driving past a massive, well lit, smokey power plant or a field full of windmills. well, the windmills dont make me nearly as sad.
missouri was very familiar. the roads were the best ive ever driven on, consistently.
there were signs discussing the dot's plans past present and future and what their progress was on such. yet i didnt see a single road cone. no reduced speeds, no lane closures. and it was so insanely smooth.

all in all we drove 1800 miles in 32 hours. so, im impressed.
i do hope that next time i have a camera, and im not in a rush. ive only ever seen the east coast (and the midwest) before now. and no matter how much i KNOW that things are different elsewhere, its hard to wrap my head around just how different.
i like different.
i long to be a gypsy. gliding from place to place. making my mark, while leaving no trace. as much as i try to supress that part of me. as much as i try to cover it up with my small longing for stability and "settling down", it remains. i guess i can long for "retirement".
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welfare [23 Aug 2009|12:14am]
i can get a little defensive over the welfare debate.

oh, the joy of facebook. :)
its happened on more than one occasion. from someones post about their satisfaction wtih obama, to that about a certain local thrift store in nc.
some think welfare exists only for those too lazy to do anything for themselves.

im reminded of givesmehope.com , i should post a mini version of my story there. or, my aunts story.

my aunt had 2 children of her own, whos father came around approx. 2x a year. child support got paid, because he was in the military, so theres no issue there. at any point, when my mother would "fall through the cracks", my aunt would offer to take me, no matter how temporary or extended. id go back and forth, my mother never giving her a dime, my aunt never asking for it.

there came a point where it was clear i was going to be with her for a good bit of time. she began to receive just over $100 a month in "afdc" for me. in addition to medicaid and whatever extra food stamps another child qualified her for.

in her late 20s, she walked several miles every week day to take her boys to day care, then walk to school, then back to day care and back home.
she got her degree, and at 28, got her license.

at some time, the state told her that she couldnt receive benefits for me unless she filed for custody and pursued my mother for child support. being that she had no intention of stiring the pot with my mom, and she knew my mom couldnt afford to pay any sort of child support, she accepted that she could no longer get benefits for me.

even still she cared for me, i dont ever remember feeling like i was loved or cared for any less than her own children. she gave me all she possibly could, and then some. it took years to realize what a sacrifice she made for me. but she did. and she always has, and i have no doubt she always will.

shortly after i moved out, she had another son. the father around. but the father died 4 years later.
his father always saw to it that she had a car while they were together. the one she had when he died, finally died as well. my grandmother who doesnt drive let her use her car, on the unspoken condition that she would bring her anything she needed any time she needed it, and take her anywhere she needed to go when she needed to go. because of this my aunts been unable to obtain a job in the recent years. so technically, shes a non hardworking welfare moocher. of course, it depends what your definition of "hard working" is.
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[22 Aug 2009|04:27pm]
well, i guess we initiated a claim with our rental insurance (for the washer, dryer, etc.)
i know i signed something like a week before the flood that said flood insurance wasnt covered under the rental policy and required a different policy or some such. but i had b talk to our agent just in case. so well hope for the best.
and if that doesnt work, fema finally declared it a federal disaster, so well look into that.
i can totally live without a dryer. but im just not motivated to wash clothes in the tub. b's been a champ, hes kept us in supply of diapers since the "disaster". as in, he washes them in the tub and hangs them on the line every few days. its pretty awesome. i havnt done anything more than ring some out and help hang a few loads. if it was solely up to me, id just go buy some. more cloth (because, you can never have too much), g's, disposables, whatever.

our neighbor lady (i lovingly refer to her as "peggy", though thats not her name at all. shes older, and before we could remember her name i decided she was a peggy.) said we could use her washer today, so i will finally have clean clothes (that i like to wear) in the near future.

im not a purist, i dont claim to be. would i like to be? sure. i really do dream of buiding a shelter from the earth and living off nothing but the land. but i am well aware of my addiction to the comforts the american society affords me, and im attempting to wean myself. slowly. one day at a time as they say in many 12 step programs.

so for now ill go finish washing dishes. by hand. because b doesnt understand why we need dishwasher liquid (weve been out for a couple weeks, dishes were coming out really gross and i wondered why. come to find out, hes been using regular dish soap. when questioned, he wondered why you needed soap at all if the water was so hot and high pressure. sigh)
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[20 Aug 2009|01:14am]
the "flood" took out our washer and dryer (amoungst other things)

i can deal with not having a dryer, esspecially mid summer. i hang clothes mostly anyways.
brians been washing diapers by hand. what a champ. he keeps saying hell "do laundry" (referring to our clothes), but it hasnt happened, and im not even mad.

id do it. i keep meaning to actually. but i guess i get hung up on the "why the eff dont we have a washer? because our landlord never got some sewage backup valve? thats crap. i want a flipping washer" and just "recon" shirts i never wear. etc. etc.
so more often than not, i probably look like hell. which is great. ive felt like hell lately as well. since the a/c went with the "flood" as well, and just got replaced today. my house has averaged high 80s, and humid for weeks now. a shower and new clothes can only make me feel good for about an hour.

so, the a/c's fixed.
im about to go make the tub my temporary home.
yet all my favorite clothes are far past expired.

its amazing how everything is linked. if i feel "yucky", i allow myself to look yucky, or... at least feel like i look yucky. which causes me to think i am yucky. or at least that other people notice/are concerned about my yuckiness.

ive done 4 shoots in the last 3 days, and at every one, ive wanted to be like "sorry i look and possibly smell like shit. we havnt had a washer or a/c for 3 weeks. so i may as well be a squater of sorts."

in any case. well finally have a little money tomorrow (i almost said extra. ha!! is there such a thing as "extra" money?) so maybe ill insist on a new outfit, for the sake of lifting my dirty spirits.
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[19 Aug 2009|02:35am]
i want/expect so much of myself. with photography.

i look at my images, and without a doubt, i know theyve improved. yet, i know there were times in the past, where id look at my images and think, right then and there, "thats not too shabby". i.e. been proud of my work. but now, is not one of those times. it hasnt been for a while. i dont know if its just me being extra hard on myself, or if im really.... not doing all i could? or something.

today i shot a one day old, and a three week old. (seperately)
maybe i set myself up for failure by longing to achieve something like ive seen another photographer do.
ive never shot a brand new baby, other than my own. and for whatever reason, i just photograph my children, as they are. i seldom attempt anything out of the ordinary with them.
the baby (the brand new one) was exactly as i expected. sleepy, floppsy, a little fussy when disturbed.
i went in with a concept, that the mother not only agreed to, but mentioned first! but brand new babies, are unlike anything else, so despite my meager attempts to figure out how to execute this beforehand, i was pretty much clueless.
the general rule of thumb with anything posed, is the more uncomfortable, the better it looks. if youre comfortable, you probably look terrible. so. with that in mind, i guess i was sort of hoping the baby would just sleep and not care one bit what we did, and the mother (and father) would hear my ideas and take it upon herself to contort her baby in whatever fashion, without a second thought, for the sake of an interesting photo.
but thats not what happened.
not surprisingly. i mean, even if you have an adult, and you attempt to explain what you want them to do, theyre often confussed (at least with me. i suck at words)
so. maybe it was just me. maybe the mother wasnt nervous about her infant at all. idk. i was. i couldnt sleep at night (no, thats not why im up right now) if anyone got hurt on a shoot, especially a teeny tiny baby.
though i really didnt anticipate anyone getting hurt. i guess its just squishing babies up, maybe letting their head flop a little. things that wouldnt really hurt them, but to us adults, it makes us uncomfortable. and im not about to tell someone they have to put their baby in a position that likely makes the uncomfortable.

so. yeah. im rambling.
i think the biggest problem is ive lost my people touch. i mean... im terrible with strangers, small talk, all that jazz. when i bartended, it helped A LOT! but, ive been out of that game for so long now, i just want to sit, silently, and follow people with my camera, and walk away with amazing images (this, i know i can do. but people expect me to talk, and tell them what to do. im just not that assertive anymore)
if i could hang out with someone else for a couple shoots, just to see what they talk about, how they explain themselves to the client, i think thatd help.
hell. maybe ill see if i can arrange something like that.
sigh.
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[09 Aug 2009|01:22am]



www.facebook.com/album.php


ive been doing these monsters on onesies (as well as tie dying, and stenciling designs on onesies)

i also made a mei tai. well, a few, but yeah.



i have two shoots this week. one next week. then a wedding the beginning of september.

in addition to a supposed shoot whenever this lady finally has her baby.
and of course, theres several other hopefuls.

im also waiting for a large family to place their individual orders. waiting for orders stinks. i tend to give up after a while.

which reminds me that i have a client that never did pick up their prints (large, and mounted at that)
and im a terrible person and still havnt learned to have people pay BEFORE i order their prints. sigh.

in addition to that... oh crap! ive got to contact a few people about my documentary.

its exciting, i feel sorta swamped. i really wish i could afford to employ people to do.... well, everything but take the pictures :) (and final editing) but i cant. so i can only move as fast as.. i can move.

i invested in a host (thank you broken_contents ) and transferred my domain. so ive been working pretty hard trying to completely (well, mostly) redo my site, so that once everythings moved over, its ready to go.

theres all sorts of crazy exciting stuff going down. brians got the potential for a pretty interesting job (for him anyways. who am i kidding, its fucking interesting) but i dont want to talk about it for fear of jinxing it. hopefully we know more by the end of the month.
he also going back to school at the end of this month, and taking classroom classes (instead of online) this time. so... yeah, theres just all sorts of good things coming, but a lot of uncertainty with it. at least its not the bad kind of uncertainty. its just the, hmm... where are we going now? sort of thing.

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[06 Aug 2009|01:05am]
im trying to grasp this...

umm

so many thoughts...
i mean, i wouldnt call myself atheist. yet im....offended?
i wouldnt call myself christian either, not that it matters, because really, i try to be caring, compassionate, and respectful of all religions. we all have our thoughts, our beliefs. our reasons.

the funny thing, is while the comment sounds like something id potentially say sarcastically in a heated discussion, the persons serious. (i know this because i know the person that posted this, as well as the one that responded)

i stared and i stared. i thought "these types are a lost cause", and continued to stare. i have to share with someone.
i mean, i cant speak for every person, not every atheist, christian, jew, muslim, buddhist, etc. but generally speaking, ive never felt like atheists think "nothing came from nothing" etc. really, those that are open about their atheism, and discuss it in an open fashion, are quite intellectual and think much more complex thoughts than that.
maybe thats it. maybe atheis is just to complex for people like this to understand. like the commenter said "so much easier to believe god created everything."
i mean, its true. my work would be a lot easier if i could simply justify everything with "god". such as "mom, why does it flood?" "well sweetie, you see... god wanted it to flood."

disclaimer: dear beautiful, wonderful, christian readers. as i said, i totally respect and appreciate your beliefs and reasonings. i am in no way thinking all of you are so closeminded. i just needed to point out this specific case of sheepleness, where one absolutely refusses to think for themselves, and chooses to speak poorly of anyone who does.
thanks for reading.

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